Sunday, November 22, 2009

And I'm Back in the Hospital at 32 Weeks. Part II: Kathy vs. Beef Ragout, Mark vs. Curtains

The prognosis is pretty much the same now (the doctors think I'll make it to 34 weeks, maybe 35), but they think I'm stable enough to send home this weekend (a.k.a. right now). My bed rest will be a bit stricter than before (less standing, even more laying, and no occasional trips to restaurants). My doctors want me to start walking a little more each day to give me strength in advance of my going home. Right now just walking across the room is extremely tiring. The first night I left my room with Mark to take a walk I wore a hospital gown, a nursing gown as a coat (so I wouldn't flash anyone while wearing my hospital gown), and my "leg irons" (not plugged in) that cover my calves and keep me from having blood clots. (Wearing the "leg irons" reminded me of those movies where an escaped convict wears handcuffs even though the chain connecting them has been cut away.) Basically I looked like an escaped mental patient. My nurse hadn't gotten the "start walking around" memo from the doctor so she rushed over and told me I couldn't do this and I was supposed to be on bed rest.

My doctor wanted me to stand and walk around the hospital more so first order of business? Belly pics!

Previous belly pics

11/17 (33 weeks; Mark: 7 1/2 months; Kathy: 8 months)

Note: Mark thinks the months should follow the Gregorian calendar, and while I agree in theory, pregnant ladies seem to all go by a 4 week month culminating in a 10 month/40 week pregnancy. I'm including these numbers so you'll be able to compare me against other pregnant chicks.

Guest rebuttal from Mark: Yeah, I think months should follow the Gregorian calendar. This is all my crazy fantasizing about how months should work and not, say, the accepted calendar of the near-entirety of the civilized world. I suppose when Kathy's in power, school children will learn the mnemonic:

Twenty-eight days hath September,
April, June, and November.
All the rest have twenty-eight,
except February, it has twenty-eight we find;
unless it's leap year, then it has twenty-eight

And by the way, who ever heard of a ten month pregnancy? In what species? Panda bears? Everyone knows the human gestational period is nine months. That's elementary school knowledge. The people on Are You Smarter Than A Fifth Grader? know this - even the adults!

Speaking of doctors, twice during this stay I've met two doctors for the first time and had them say to me, "I know you were worried when you were here last time but there's nothing to worry about this time." This makes me think I must have some coded message across the top of my file. Perhaps "WW" for "worrywart"? Can any medical doctors confirm if this type of code exists?

A dietician came by with their full menu of meal options. This sounded great at first but only half the time do I actually get what I order. For instance when I ordered the bagel and cream cheese for breakfast one day I received a tray that was completely empty except for a couple packs of crackers and peanut butter. (Where's me breakfast? -Hospitalized Leprechaun) This time around, instead of Salisbury Steak, they're trying to get rid of something which looks equally unappetizing called Beef Ragout; like maybe they found an overturned Beef Ragout truck by the side of the highway. Several times they've pulled a Folger's switch and replaced my actual choices with this monstrosity. ("Let's see if she notices...")

This Beef Ragout looks decent. It's obviously not Kaiser's Beef Ragout.

Last time the best thing about being in the hospital was a visit by some therapy dogs and it wasn't until I got home that I realized I could have requested more visits. This time I requested frequent visits but it didn't go quite as well. Since I'm allergic I don't want to pet the dogs - and I can sense the owners thinking "Then, why I am here?" Also some of the dogs are tiny which just doesn't interest me. (Sorry, tiny dog lovers.) And lastly they come by when I'm alone (often when I'm sleeping) and then I have to make awkward small talk with the owners. So now I've requested that they visit only on weekends so that Mark can pet the dogs and there are two of us to engage the owners in awkward small talk.

Therapy golden retriever, Boston, and me. (You may recognize my leg irons from my last hospital stay.)

Boston close-up. Wait, what's on his harness?

Boston's Kaiser badge!

Meanwhile, Mark wages war against the curtain in my room... and loses.

Mark walks into the curtain Blair Witch style.
As Suzanne Vega sang in
Luka, "Yes I think I'm okay. I walked into the curtain again."

No pictures please.

Mark "Houdinis" his way out.

Yeah, I got stuck in a curtain. Jealous?


  1. Best husband vs curtain play-by-play EVER.

  2. I have to agree with Mark on the calendar thing. It always annoyed me when other pregnant women would all of a sudden switch to 28-day months just because they were pregnant.

  3. mark really knows how to occupy himself at a hospital.

  4. I really appreciate that you write these posts so I forget about my worry by the time it's over. You always end with the really funny stuff.

    I want badges for my dogs and cats. And chickens.

  5. @Sara: Some of the dogs at Google (it might only be the helper dogs) have their own Google badges with pictures.

    @Alison: For the record I agree with Mark on the calendar thing, too. There's such a discrepancy between both systems that I thought I should include both numbers in case anyone's comparing me to their 28 day month system.

    @Maria & Kelsi: Mark also came up with puns involving my doctor's name (Two wrongs don't make a Crites, Crites on a cracker, etc.), and built a fortress out of Wheatsworth crackers.